Category Archives: Odd Odes and other verse

The Wet Suit

For holidays I had to buy
A wet suit made of neoprene
The salesman took one look at I
And said, “The size, ladies sixteen.”

I held it up and goggled
It looked so tall and thin
I couldn’t help but wonder
How on earth I’d fit me in.

But he said “No need to worry,
Of course you’ll fit inside
You’ll stretch it when you put it on
And make it short and wide.”

So I took it home to try it
Tho I couldn’t help but doubt
When I took it from its plastic bag
And once more held it out.

I climbed into my swim suit
And began the awkward task
Of putting on the wet suit
“Why so foolish?” do you ask.

First I tried to stuff my feet
And legs into the place
Where feet and legs were meant to go,
But there wasn’t enough space.

However will I manage
Standing on the river bank
When I cannot do it here at  home
However hard I yank?

Get both feet it, roll it upwards
From the ankle to the knee
From knee to thigh to hip to waist,
Oh dear, just look at me!

Lift it up and shove both arms in
Oh woe, alas alack
Now I’m really stymied ‘cause
It does up at the back.

I wriggled and I struggled
Lay face down upon the floor
In a vain attempt to zip it up
I confess I nearly swore.

In the end I had to give up
And feeling sad and fat
I struggled out of it again
Oh well, I thought, that’s that.

But I packed it up with faith and hope
That someone on the trip
Would have the kindness and the strength
To help me with the zip.

[And they did!]

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Biddy

Biddy is the name
Of my black dog
I got her from the RSPCA
She’s very sweet and loving
So it must be my fault
That trouble came home with her that day.

When I got her she had stitches
From that little female op
You must keep her very quiet so they said
So I did my best to calm her
With treats and gentle pats
But she jumped about until those stitches bled.

I took her back for bandaging
And asked for some advice
Just confine her in the bathroom I was told
With her bedding and some water
And some toys and treats to eat
You can leave her and she’ll be as good as gold.

So I went out to the theatre
Feeling happy she was safe
And I came back to a really awful mess
With paint scratched off the door
And pooh upon the floor
Me and Biddy both were in distress

In the end the stitches healed
And she could go out to play
Though I didn’t want her playing with my shoe
Or chewing at the cushions
Or biting on the sheets
All of which I then had to renew.

Now the backyard’s full of holes
She’s dug to England
And there’s several pairs of slippers in the bin
And she threw up on the carpet
And jumped mud onto the couch
And she barks and barks at people coming in.

But if I can remember
To shut the bedroom door
There’s not so very much that can go wrong.
And she tells me that she loves me
And greets life with such delight
That I really can’t be cross with her for long.

Biddy is the name
Of my black dog
I got her from the RSPCA
She’s very sweet and loving
So it must be my fault
That trouble came home with her that day.